My mother Ann is the main reason I didn’t grow up with a desire to plot revenge for perceived wrongdoings by friends or family. She told me living well is the best revenge.

This doesn’t mean I was passive.

I physically fought with Gina across the street. She, my sister Renee’, and I spent so much time together it was like Gina was a third sibling. We would get on each other’s nerves.

I would also stand up for Renee’.

Mom, sister, and me. I’m protecting my sister from neighbors who won’t let her pick flowers.

A neighbor once scolded her for plucking flowers from the flower bed abutting our front yards. I lept in with, “Shut up old man.” And if my sister was being spanked or being punished in a very loud voice by our mother or father John, I would yell “stop it!” with all the force my childish voice could muster.

Those were all crimes of passion. There were more during my childhood, teens, and sometimes during adulthood. But getting even was not in my vocabulary. Living well is the best revenge is the best revenge.

By this my mother meant move on and be successful in the best way you know how. In the case of a mean ex-spouse or a mean boss, when you stop bringing him or her up in conversations to other people or you stop lying in bed thinking about how you would love to put that person in the stocks and throw tomatoes, YOU become the winner.

Because otherwise, when he or she finds out you’re walking around talking trash or telling people “so-and-so will rue the day,” that person can think “HA! I win. I’m still in her head.” The control is still there.

Even if you choose and absolutely must hide in your bedroom for days on end and cry like I have done sometimes, for heaven’s sake don’t let the other person know this. It gives that person power.

Walk into a room looking your best. Know your worth. You are a shining star.

I was reminded of this while driving down a main street this week. I recently had been angry with a friend who lied to me. Then, I saw a billboard upon which was the picture of a friend who’s in the midst of a separation from the friend who lied to me.

This person on the billboard recently took a job in which he or she is in the public eye. He or she is moving forward in a career. This person looks very attractive and capable. This person’s someday-to-be-ex-spouse is not in the photo. They work at the same place in the same job. And the one not in the photo is the one who put the ultimate hole in the weakening marriage by hooking up with someone else before they separated and then lying to me and others about it and taking advantage of me.

Yes, Mom, living well is the best revenge, even when it ain’t my life.