Have you ever noticed that when you start to really like someone–maybe even start to love them– they become more attractive?
At first you probably think he or she is cute with a pleasant demeanor and a few similar interests. Give it a few more months and suddenly your new partner is a physical specimen of perfection, with the “perfect” personality and hobbies that have now become your hobbies too.
It’s not unusual for people to idealize their significant others, and they often don’t realize they’re doing it until that relationship is finished.
A few days ago I sat down with my ex boyfriend for a group lunch with a mutual friend. She offered to do two separate lunches because the ex and I hadn’t seen each other in almost eight months, but we decided we’re all adults and could therefore handle an hour or two in the same room.
There was a slight pinch of awkwardness the first few minutes. It was the realization that yes this meeting was in fact happening. As the awkwardness faded, I waited for the nostalgia to kick in. Even though I’m in a healthy, happy relationship with someone else now, I figured it would be impossible not to reminisce.
But that nostalgia never came.
Looking back often reflects the truth
Instead I sat across the table studying his features and listening to his words. I was asking myself how this man was, at one time, my entire world. He had been my everything.
Sitting there I saw him for how he really is and how he has always been. I looked at the non-idealized version I had built in my head over those 2.5 years. It’s a strange realization but it’s one that also brought me the final piece of closure in what was a very painful saga.
I nearly lost myself trying to make him want me the way I wanted him and it took months of therapy to get myself back. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad person. He means well but he was most definitely the wrong person for me.
It reminds me of something Oprah Winfrey says quite often on her shows. It’s a teaching from Maya Angelou.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
