Divorce changes the legal and official ties between families bound together when two people exchange vows. Does that mean it’s time to eliminate from your lives those you love and who love you?

I loved my former brother-in-law Tom. He was my ex-husband Steve’s brother.

He was dry, observant, down to earth, funny, and curmudgeonly in an awesome and refreshing way. He was gruff and sweet. Because of the age gap between my ex and I and the fact that Steve was the surprise third child in his family, Tom was about the same age as my parents.

He also battled a multitude of health problems. Steve used to worry Tom would pass away before their mother Lee. She would have been devastated to lose a child.

Tom lived eight years past Lee.

I received the following text message from my ex this week.

Tom passed away last night. I promised I’d let you know. You had mentioned that you would like to attend his service but I would like to request that you do not. You know my family likes you but having you and Diana there would make it uncomfortable for many. I hope you understand.

I only cared about the first five words.

The rest was blurred by my immediate tears.

I keep in contact with the majority of Steve’s family. I like them. I was around during and after Lee’s lengthy illnesses that eventually put her into hospice at our home. I had never taken care of someone nearing the end of life. It was an experience that had a massive impact on me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I was a bridesmaid for my niece Julie and her husband Gabe. Steve and I were already divorced or at least separated when they had their first baby. I rushed to the store for a little gift. They had so wanted to start a family and here it was finally happening for them. I was overjoyed.

Brothers in 2007

And, thanks to Facebook, I can follow both their children as they grow and I can follow my other brother-in-law Jack and his wife Lou. I can also check in on Tom’s sons Christopher and Jonathan. I also posted a photo on my Facebook page to honor Tom.

No one in the family has ever asked why Steve and I aren’t married anymore nor has anyone asked me about the fiancee Diana. That’s fine. I prefer my relationship with them to continue drama-free.

I am not in the least sad or offended by the text message asking that I not attend a service in honor of Tom. I know why my ex made the request. I am intuitive enough to know the identity of the “many.”

My life is made up of joy.

A legal document does not define my family.