23-year-old Ashley was a self-described “complete and total dork.” She liked school and wanted a career in environmental science. She was an avid scuba diver and like many divers in southern Arizona, she loved the waters of San Carlos, Sonora, Mexico.

18-year-old Monique was described by her cousin Sara as one of the most beautiful people she had ever known. The teenager’s first name was the middle name of her beloved aunt Elisa. Photos of her reveal a fun-loving but serious young woman clad in wacky big sunglasses or posing with arms wrapped around her younger sister Mary or her mother Shell.

Ashley was in the parking lot of her apartment complex when a man against whom she had a restraining order approached her and friends and, police say, fired several gunshots at her. Ashley died moments later at a hospital.

Monique was killed instantly when her ex-boyfriend fired an AR-15 assault rifle at her while she was at his home. Police in that case say the suspect, already known by her family and friends to have a history of abusing her, said something persuasive enough to get Monique to his home the night he killed her. She had been trying to cut ties with him for a long time.

Monique’s aunt Elisa is a colleague and I went to her memorial and graveside services in October 2011. Less than 48 hours ago, I learned from fellow scuba divers about Ashley’s death.

I don’t want another woman or man ever to feel the sting of physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

But every day someone’s self-esteem and self worth is gnarled and twisted and slowly eroded by the words or deeds of someone who professes so vehemently to love her.

Monique’s cousin Sara said during the 2011 memorial, “Strive to be a great parent. Mothers, fathers teach your sons to never hurt a woman. Teach your daughters to never let a man hurt them.”

Take Sara’s advice. Teach love and respect to the children. Model that behaviour for them. Let actions follow words. Let them know that acting in vicious anger to a loved one hurts themselves and the other person.

Above all, know and please believe that you are a beautiful human with a whole glorious life ahead. You have gifts to share. You will always and forever deserve to be treated with honor. Know your self-worth.

Look closely at the photos of Ashley and Monique. Look at them.

Then read the following quote. It’s on Ashley’s Facebook wall. She wrote it there ages ago:

“Learn as if you were to live forever. Live as if it were your last day”- Gandhi

 

Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse http://www.emergecenter.org/ or 1-888-428-0101.

U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

UPDATE December 28, 2012: Memorial services for Ashley were 3:00p.m. on January 4, 2013 at Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That’s at 3530 West Magee Road in Tucson, Arizona 85741.