Children grow up hearing it’s important to be nice to other people. Adults don’t explain, though, why we’re supposed to be nice. There’s just a vague reference to “being a good person.”

They also don’t clarify the difference between being nice and being a doormat. If you don’t know the difference, you’re going to feel isolated.

I was on Facebook the other day and read this post on Mark’s page:

I’ve come to realize I really have no idea who my real friends are. People tell me how great of a guy I am when I ask them to dinner or out for a drink, only to then be asked to loan them money or just take them out for dinners. I’ve probably given 5 digits to those I thought really had an interest in my friendship (or in dating me) only to have never gotten paid back, never given an offer to treat me to dinner, never given a thank you card. Or they disappear shortly after being given something. Just plain nothing. I do it out of the kindness of my heart and don’t expect anything back.

Yes, I know I’m too nice. I have sacrificed so much of my hard earned money, time, energy, and true friendship only to be ignored or not really be good enough that someone might actually reach out to me first with true interest in who I am rather than what I can give. I give because I care and am willing to sacrifice if it would help someone. I just thought they cared about me.

Just once I’d love someone to go out of their way to do something nice for me or treat me for no reason so I know who really appreciates me. I want someone to treat me rather than me always shelling out everything I have and being take advantage of for being too nice. I’m emotionally tired.

I chatted with Mark, hoping to ease his angst. The 41-year-old told me again his goal is to help people. But he does want something in return. He wants time and attention. Nothing wrong with that. But healthy relationships don’t work that way.

Set boundaries and stop lending money willy nilly

Mark knows the truth. We all do. When you say you’re too nice, you’re already aware you’re letting people take advantage of you.

1. Know why you lend money, give time, or do other favors for people. Do you have an established relationship and you know the other person would help you too? Be aware the reason you’re giving out freebies might be in the hopes of seeing them again. Don’t buy friends. Be yourself.

2. Set boundaries. Don’t get lost in other people’s lives. Codependency is when the relationship is more important than you are to yourself. If you’re feeling unfulfilled, indirect, or don’t assert yourself when you have a need then you might be codependent. If you see this pattern, talk to a therapist to learn how to be more assertive.

3. Know the definition of insanity. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome. Mark says he gives but knows there’s a strong chance he’ll be forgotten. But he, like many people, hope for one time someone will react differently. The solution is to stop doing the same thing.

The goal is to stop doing the same thing.