Kurt and I met at a university campus ATM. He recognized the monstrous law book I was carrying as the same one he used in Paul Falzone’s criminal justice class. Turns out Kurt was taking the same class but on a different day.

Our conversation led to an exchange of phone numbers, a phone call, and a date. On a Friday night, I met him at his house. We were then going to drive to see the new Robin Hood movie. The year was 1991. Kurt was wearing those denim overalls popular with bands like New Kids on the Block.

He gave me a quick tour of the house he shared with at least one room mate.

“This is my room.”

All I remember is the framed 8 1/2 x 11 pic of a woman. It sat on the nightstand.

“Who’s that?” I asked. Yes, the burgeoning journalist and relationship-obsesser was already on the job.

“That’s my girlfriend. Well, my ex. We broke up a while ago.”

He still has a huge photo of her next to his bed?

Enter Phantom Lover from the Past.

That’s not the only time in my life I have witnessed a Phantom.

My friend Fritz pined for the ex-wife who cheated on him, is now married to that man, has twins, and lives in the area of Georgia in which Fritz once dreamed of them living. My friend Mike has told me about the gal he left behind in another state.

This is not the same as remembering with great fondness the first boy you kissed, the first girl you had sex with, or the angel-like creature who sat next to you in English class back in 1998.

This is Phantom Lover from the Past.

One warning of the Phantom Lover presence is if someone has had few substantial or no relationships since that perfect Other. Fritz had been divorced since 2003 and hadn’t had a girlfriend or really did any healthy dating since then.

By the way, Fritz and I didn’t talk for several months after it got ugly when I confronted him about the need to get over Anette.

Another warning is how early in your dating relationship or how often he or she talks about the Phantom. Also watch for the emotion that appears during the conversations. Anger is a big sign of connection. I don’t mean mere frustration. I mean real anger.

You might also want to look for where the blame rests. If he or she blames outside forces like a parent of the Phantom’s this can also mean the star-crossed romance attached to this scene is reaching Romeo and Juliet levels. Fritz blamed the Universe.

There’s a possibility you will compete with the dream-like person who stole someone’s heart and didn’t fully return it.

Tread carefully.