I hear about jealous people who creep around their significant others’ phones or Facebook pages looking for evidence their fears are true.
I get jealous just like other people, but I have NEVER been a creeper looking for dirt about my main guys in my life.
I found the following question and answer on a therapy website. I am not a licensed therapist:
Question- I’m having problems in my relationship because of my jealousy and trust issues with my boyfriend. We have been together for a year and 1/2. Ever since my past relationship I have a hard time trusting men and it has been drilled in my head that all men cheat.
I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I always think my boyfriend is going to cheat on me. Then I start getting jealous of female friends he accepts on his Facebook page. When he goes out with friends sometimes I think he might go out with a female instead. So I tend to check his phone bill to see if he talks to any girl. I find that he doesn’t but I still don’t trust him because I tell myself maybe he’s texting girls instead of calling them. Then when I think of this, so much anger arouses within me that I start yelling and screaming at him.
I also have a low self esteem. I feel like I’m not pretty enough for him. I’ve had the problem all my life although he tells me I’m a beautiful girl. I think he tells me just so I feel better. He also constantly tells me loves me but I don’t believe him and I call him a liar. This jealousy and trust problem has caused a lot of arguments.
I think I’ll lose him if I don’t stop. How can I stop this and save my relationship?
He’s cheating on me. I just know it, doctor!
Answer- You’re absolutely right to be worried. If this keeps up, you are going to create the very thing you fear. No one can tolerate this level of jealousy, suspicion and distrust and stay in a relationship for long.
It’s unfair to judge your current boyfriend by your experience with someone else who hurt you. It’s disrespectful for you to be checking his phone bills and Facebook. It’s sad that you reject his expressions of love.
As you already know: This isn’t about your boyfriend. It’s about you. If you want any hope of saving this relationship, you need to do something immediately to address your negative self-esteem, your insecurities, and your anger issues. You already know this. If you could do it on your own, you would have done so already.
Therefore, I strongly urge you to get yourself into therapy right away. Take your suspicions and fears to your therapist, not your boyfriend. It may not be too late to salvage this relationship. But even if you two break up over this, you still will want to do your therapy so the next relationship will have a chance.
-Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/05/28/she-may-create-the-break-up-she-fears/
Men also “creep” around their girl’s Facebook and wonder the same things. Yes some men who also lack self-esteem will also yell and scream and accuse their loved one and eventually ruin a good thing. This is the thing about relationships. They are all different and all the same. Being able to open yourself up fully to someone else is risky but it is the only way you actually know if the other person will do the same or is even able to do the same or wants to do the same. Only when both sides of a relationship want the same and willing to take on the same risks will trust and love flourish. Isn’t that what we all want? love to blossom and grow. How many of us reach comfort and not truly take the risks to find out if this is really the one or worse find out this is not the one and I’m going to have to move on. Many of us wait to long to find out the latter is true. Love is worth the risk. There are no guarantees except that life is too short and the end is nearer all the time. Share what you feel and find out if the other person is open and understanding of what you are saying and where you are coming from when you say it. Only by doing that will you be able to find the one you love and who loves you. Or you can spend money on therapy your choice.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Without it, the relationship is hollow and a complete falsehood.